NKOTB Survive You, Jon Knight, Panic Attacks, Anxiety, and Me
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I was watching some videos to destress from 2 open houses at 2 different schools for 3 kids with a 4 year old who really had no intention on trying to behave and of course, ended up at my favorite NKOTB song of late.
The reaction to Jon singing makes me so happy. The fact that Jon is up there in front of how many people amazes me. I couldn’t do it. If you’re an NKOTB fan, you have heard about Jon’s panic attacks/anxiety. I totally get it. I came across this video, it had to be one of the first times he sang his solo in this part -
(Forgive me if this is old news to some of you. I hadn’t seen or heard of it.)
You can see him getting more and more worked up and then he walks off. I don’t know if I could have even gotten up on stage period where I am at dealing with anxiety. I blogged the other day about the technique I am using, and I now can get up and sing in front of the people at church (that’s like 60 people sometimes), but to get in front of thousands of people, I couldn’t do it. The person who posted that video was right. He did the best thing he could do in that situation and the guys covered for him awesomely. If you haven’t lived through that, you don’t have a lot of choice in the matter.
When I am having a full blown panic attack, I can’t stop rocking, and I can’t breathe. I am in complete hyperventilating mode. I’ve been in a ball rocking back and forth for over then an hour trying to completely calm down (even with medicine, I have a very low dose of lorazapam), after my breathing is back to normal, the tears still roll. It sucks. I can tell when I am getting close, not just from how I am feeling but from my behavior. I get really jittery, I talk out of control, a mile a minute, nervous giggling that can’t be stopped, and even knowing it’s coming, it’s hard to keep it under control.
I remember on the way home from my aunt’s funeral in Alabama at the end of June, something triggered an attack for me. My sister told my dad to pull over and I can remember (almost like from a distance) telling him that if he pulled the car over I would get out and I wouldn’t get back in. My sister told him to keep driving. I hyperventilated and rocked until my medicine took over, then I just sat and cried, listening to my ipod with ear buds in so I had that tunnel vision I needed to get back to a normal state of mind.
Singing was actually my dream, years ago. I wanted to sing on broadway. Then life happened and later panic attacks/anxiety happened during my late 20’s/early 30’s.
Seriously, Jon Knight amazes me and is kind of an inspiration. He has worked through this. He is up there doing it. Even when it’s tough. He couldn’t do it once, so he got up and did it again.
Kind of awesome.
If you’re not an NKOTB fan, you might not get this post. I’m one from way back in the day – 88-89. Never stopped. I followed Jon’s story, and he is one I look up to as someone who is beating something that can completely debilitate people, there was a time when I couldn’t leave my house without getting sick. Could not physically do it. To do what he is doing now. Inspiring.
I might break out into You’re The Inspiration.
For real. I cannot wait until the day when I am back to my old self. Talking to people, happy, sociable, outgoing. It helps talking about it, and seeing people who have beaten it. I think I’m getting a little bit better every time I turn around. They might be baby steps to some, but each one is a huge move closer to a normal life. It seems the better I get, the more open I am about it.
And that song – Survive You – my absolute most favorite song off their album 10. It’s gorgeous. I would have cried my eyes out to that song after every break up if it would have been recorded back when I was a teenager.
Have a great day!