So, my doctor’s appointment went well yesterday. My blood pressure was up when I went in, but that was understandable knowing how nervous I was after all the drama the other day.
I’ve talked a little about my struggle with depression throughout my life, this is my journal. I like to be open and honest here, in the hopes that even in the humorous moments, but especially in the painful, that I can help someone else. My own struggle started with my grandma’s death when I was 14. All through high school I struggled with suicidal thoughts. At 15, my parents put me in the behavioral ward at a local hospital to try to help me come to terms with everything. I faked it through that and was released early and never got the help I needed at that point.
Before I had Jordan, I was taking prozac. It’s coming out now, but I’m not sure how many people knew back in my early 20’s that some depression medications actually make depression worse and can bring out thoughts of suicide. One night out of complete desperation, I took my whole bottle of prozac.
I ended up in the ER getting my stomach pumped. If you’ve never had your stomach pumped, I do not recommend it. It is not a pleasant experience. Definitely one I do not want a repeat of. I was married to Jordan’s dad at that point and I wouldn’t let him or my dad in the room with me. My mom was out of town. My little brother Josh, who was probably 16 at that time, sat in the ER with me, holding my hand as they pumped my stomach. When they put charcoal down the tube, I threw up all over him. He held on to that charcoal stained shirt for a long time. I’m not sure if he still has it or not.
Come to find out later, prozac is made for people who harm themselves. It’s made so that if you overdose on it, you won’t die. Why did you pump my stomach then? To show me why I never should do that again I’m sure.
That’s the last serious attempt I have made on taking my own life. You see, now I have children. Though I still struggle with depression, I have fought against it because I can’t imagine leaving my children without their mother on purpose. The pain that that would cause them. I could never do that to them.
Even though I never would do that to them, I still struggle with depression. I have times when I just have to walk away. The punishment for certain behaviors may have to come later because whatever happened stressed me out or upset me so much that I have to walk out on the porch and just take some long deep breaths.
I know I need to talk to my doctor when I start feeling short tempered, when little things upset me, when I start snapping at Pato for stupid some things that are no big deal, when I start feeling incredibly tired, when I all I want to do is sleep, when I cry for no reason, when headaches start piling up on me and I have dark eye circles from not getting enough sleep because I can’t sleep, when I’m overwhelmed, when I don’t want to leave the house, when I start feeling like I just can’t handle any more.
I haven’t taken medication in a long time. I’ve been pregnant or nursing for the last 6 years straight. I finally have Christiano weaned and it was time to talk to my doctor about this.
I told her everything that has been going on, how I’m feeling, how I’m just not a pleasant person to live with any more, and I’m definitely NOT a fun mom to have.
My doctor is the only person I feel comfortable talking to about this stuff. She’s the only one I will see regarding things with depression. I don’t know why. I have my other doctor that I see when I’m sick, but I won’t talk to him about depression. He knows what’s going on, they are in the same office, he knows my history, and I trust him. There’s just something about this doctor that I see though. She’s the most wonderful, sweetest, empathetic person you will meet. I actually feel calmer when I am talking to her about things.
She agreed that it’s time for me to go back on something. She wants me to start out on a light dose of something that also helps with anxiety. I never had to deal with anxiety when I was younger, but as I get older, that is something that is really starting to hit me. I start feeling overwhelmed because I feel like I have to do it all at once and if I don’t do it, I’m not doing my job. When that happens, I start getting short of breath, I start feeling shaky, and start sweating, kind of a hot flash without menopause.
Whatever it is has to be enough that it pushes the “if I took that whole bottle of ibuprofin in the cupboard I wouldn’t be stressed out any more” thoughts out of my head. I can sit here and say that I would never do it, but obviously at one point I couldn’t get past the thought and acted on it. I don’t want to ever get to that point again. I feel like it’s better to be safe than sorry.
She picked out something that we are hoping will do that without causing weight gain, without actually causing the depression to get worse.
I am starting out on 1/2 tablet of Citalopram 20 for a week. Then I’ll move up to a full tablet. I’m hoping this will be the only med I have to try. Another family member of mine takes that one (we compared after my appointment) and they said that it is really working for them. Seeing as we have the same genes, coming from the same family, I’m holding on to that hope.
She is also writing a letter to my landlord recommending a companion animal. (We’re going through conventional and unconventional treatments.) She thinks it could be beneficial for myself and for Jordan (ADHD).
It’s funny how things have a way of working out.
I’ve been trying to help find a home for this adorable little hairy hairless Chinese Crested. Something about her ad made me reach out to thank her foster mom for giving her a future, for loving her. That was my only intention. She just touched my heart. She was a puppy mill dog who was rescued. Her foster mom said that it’s as if she has completely forgotten what happened to her during the first part of her life. That she is just the happiest friendliest little dog you will meet.
I started calling everyone I knew that loved dogs. No one could take her. I posted on a couple of boards that I visit with other animal lovers. No one could take her.
No one wanted her and I don’t know why. Is it that she was a puppy mill dog? Is it because her jaw is crooked because of an injury she sustained at the puppy mill that was never treated? Is it because she has lost a few teeth because of that injury?
I don’t know.
I told her that we were looking for a house and if she still had her when we got a house that I would love to make her a part of our family. She said she hoped she still had her then.
When my doctor agreed that a companion animal would be beneficial, it felt like all the stars had aligned for me but also for Junie Bee.
I am sending the vet a check to get her spayed and brought up to date on her shots and then she can come live with us.
Is she not a little doll baby? I keep wondering if she’s mixed with Yorkie? (You know how those puppy mills like to breed “designer” dogs – the ones that used to be called mutts that now have cute names like Morkie and Puggle?). Either way I think she is absolutely beautiful and she just needs a family who will love her that she can love back.
I’m feeling a lot more hopeful today about life than I was yesterday.
If you are struggling with depression, don’t be afraid to reach out and get help. (If you want to talk to me, please do!) It’s so much better to get help and find a way to relieve that than it is to struggle silently in the dark on your own. Even if you never do anything to harm yourself, the difference in your quality of life after you get help compared to the overwhelming sense of hopelessness you feel without it, it is amazing. I cannot wait until I get to the point where I feel good about myself again. (Pato can’t either. My struggle has been his struggle as he has stood by me through the last couple of years.)
Have a wonderful day!
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And I would just like to add a PostScript to inspire you a little, Heather:
It is great that you are encouraging your son to stand up for himself and stop hiding behind you. I think the best example you could give him is standing up to your doubts and facing them head on as well.