Not Everyone's Mama

So, my doctor’s appointment went well yesterday.  My blood pressure was up when I went in, but that was understandable knowing how nervous I was after all the drama the other day.

I’ve talked a little about my struggle with depression throughout my life, this is my journal.  I like to be open and honest here, in the hopes that even in the humorous moments, but especially in the painful, that I can help someone else.  My own struggle started with my grandma’s death when I was 14.  All through high school I struggled with suicidal thoughts.  At 15, my parents put me in the behavioral ward at a local hospital to try to help me come to terms with everything.  I faked it through that and was released early and never got the help I needed at that point.

Before I had Jordan, I was taking prozac.  It’s coming out now, but I’m not sure how many people knew back in my early 20’s that some depression medications actually make depression worse and can bring out thoughts of suicide.  One night out of complete desperation, I took my whole bottle of prozac.

I ended up in the ER getting my stomach pumped.  If you’ve never had your stomach pumped, I do not recommend it.  It is not a pleasant experience.  Definitely one I do not want a repeat of.  I was married to Jordan’s dad at that point and I wouldn’t let him or my dad in the room with me.  My mom was out of town.  My little brother Josh, who was probably 16 at that time, sat in the ER with me, holding my hand as they pumped my stomach.  When they put charcoal down the tube, I threw up all over him.  He held on to that charcoal stained shirt for a long time.  I’m not sure if he still has it or not.

Come to find out later, prozac is made for people who harm themselves.  It’s made so that if you overdose on it, you won’t die.  Why did you pump my stomach then?  To show me why I never should do that again I’m sure.

That’s the last serious attempt I have made on taking my own life.  You see, now I have children.  Though I still struggle with depression, I have fought against it because I can’t imagine leaving my children without their mother on purpose.  The pain that that would cause them.  I could never do that to them. 

Even though I never would do that to them, I still struggle with depression.  I have times when I just have to walk away.  The punishment for certain behaviors may have to come later because whatever happened stressed me out or upset me so much that I have to walk out on the porch and just take some long deep breaths. 

I know I need to talk to my doctor when I start feeling short tempered, when little things upset me, when I start snapping at Pato for stupid some things that are no big deal, when I start feeling incredibly tired, when I all I want to do is sleep, when I cry for no reason, when headaches start piling up on me and I have dark eye circles from not getting enough sleep because I can’t sleep, when I’m overwhelmed, when I don’t want to leave the house, when I start feeling like I just can’t handle any more.

I haven’t taken medication in a long time.  I’ve been pregnant or nursing for the last 6 years straight.  I finally have Christiano weaned and it was time to talk to my doctor about this.

I told her everything that has been going on, how I’m feeling, how I’m just not a pleasant person to live with any more, and I’m definitely NOT a fun mom to have.

My doctor is the only person I feel comfortable talking to about this stuff. She’s the only one I will see regarding things with depression.  I don’t know why.  I have my other doctor that I see when I’m sick, but I won’t talk to him about depression.  He knows what’s going on, they are in the same office, he knows my history, and I trust him.  There’s just something about this doctor that I see though.  She’s the most wonderful, sweetest, empathetic person you will meet.  I actually feel calmer when I am talking to her about things.

She agreed that it’s time for me to go back on something.  She wants me to start out on a light dose of something that also helps with anxiety.  I never had to deal with anxiety when I was younger, but as I get older, that is something that is really starting to hit me.  I start feeling overwhelmed because I feel like I have to do it all at once and if I don’t do it, I’m not doing my job.  When that happens, I start getting short of breath, I start feeling shaky, and start sweating, kind of a hot flash without menopause. 

Whatever it is has to be enough that it pushes the “if I took that whole bottle of ibuprofin in the cupboard I wouldn’t be stressed out any more” thoughts out of my head.  I can sit here and say that I would never do it, but obviously at one point I couldn’t get past the thought and acted on it.  I don’t want to ever get to that point again.  I feel like it’s better to be safe than sorry.

She picked out something that we are hoping will do that without causing weight gain, without actually causing the depression to get worse.

I am starting out on 1/2 tablet of Citalopram 20 for a week.  Then I’ll move up to a full tablet.  I’m hoping this will be the only med I have to try.  Another family member of mine takes that one (we compared after my appointment) and they said that it is really working for them.  Seeing as we have the same genes, coming from the same family, I’m holding on to that hope.

She is also writing a letter to my landlord recommending a companion animal. (We’re going through conventional and unconventional treatments.)  She thinks it could be beneficial for myself and for Jordan (ADHD). 

It’s funny how things have a way of working out.

I’ve been trying to help find a home for this adorable little hairy hairless Chinese Crested.  Something about her ad made me reach out to thank her foster mom for giving her a future, for loving her.  That was my only intention.  She just touched my heart.  She was a puppy mill dog who was rescued.  Her foster mom said that it’s as if she has completely forgotten what happened to her during the first part of her life.  That she is just the happiest friendliest little dog you will meet. 

I started calling everyone I knew that loved dogs.  No one could take her.  I posted on a couple of boards that I visit with other animal lovers.  No one could take her. 

No one wanted her and I don’t know why.  Is it that she was a puppy mill dog?  Is it because her jaw is crooked because of an injury she sustained at the puppy mill that was never treated?  Is it because she has lost a few teeth because of that injury?

I don’t know.

I told her that we were looking for a house and if she still had her when we got a house that I would love to make her a part of our family.  She said she hoped she still had her then.

When my doctor agreed that a companion animal would be beneficial, it felt like all the stars had aligned for me but also for Junie Bee.

I am sending the vet a check to get her spayed and brought up to date on her shots and then she can come live with us.

Is she not a little doll baby?  I keep wondering if she’s mixed with Yorkie?  (You know how those puppy mills like to breed “designer” dogs – the ones that used to be called mutts that now have cute names like Morkie and Puggle?).  Either way I think she is absolutely beautiful and she just needs a family who will love her that she can love back.

I’m feeling a lot more hopeful today about life than I was yesterday. 

If you are struggling with depression, don’t be afraid to reach out and get help. (If you want to talk to me, please do!)  It’s so much better to get help and find a way to relieve that than it is to struggle silently in the dark on your own.  Even if you never do anything to harm yourself, the difference in your quality of life after you get help compared to the overwhelming sense of hopelessness you feel without it, it is amazing.  I cannot wait until I get to the point where I feel good about myself again.  (Pato can’t either.  My struggle has been his struggle as he has stood by me through the last couple of years.)

Have a wonderful day!

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Who has a steam cleaner?  Who out there has wished that their steam cleaner was a steam mop?  I know, I know, there is a Shark Steam Mop out there, but I actually hadn’t heard of it until recently.

I do know that I LOVE my steam cleaner.  I use it every time I clean, especially in the kitchen.  Nothing makes the faucet sparkle like cleaning it with steam does.  Spill something on the stove while you’re cooking?  No need to scrub, get out the steam cleaner, a blast of steam loosens it right up and you wipe it away.

I clean my kitchen chairs with my steam cleaner (I have a 20 month old and a 3 year old who get goopy sticky hands, then touch the chairs – a good zap with the steam cleaner every couple of weeks on top of wiping them down daily let’s me know they aren’t germ infested).  I clean my couch with my steam cleaner (I have a leather couch now, but I used to use it on my microfiber couch also).

I have always wished that my steam cleaner had

• a bigger water tank to go longer while cleaning
• more attachments to get into hard to reach areas (cracks and crevices)
• a mop option

The mop option was my biggest dream.  You guys know I have 4 kids.  Things get spilled in tiny out of the way spots and no one tells mom.  I notice when it’s dry and hard to get off.  I’ll get out my steamer and blast it.  But, wouldn’t it be easier if it was a mop?  Then I wouldn’t have to get down on all 4’s to clean those spots.

My dream came true on all fronts!

SWEET!

I was sent the Gruene Steam Cleaner/mop to try out.  Like I said, I have owned other steam cleaners, but this one takes the prize.  It has a MUCH bigger water tank than my old one does, which is so very awesome.  I can get my whole couch done at once rather than doing a part of it, stopping to let the steamer cool down, refilling it, waiting for it to warm up, then starting the process all over again.

This one comes with so many more attachments than mine did.  Seriously.  Mine came with the window tool, 3 small brush heads, and a couple of the bent angle ones.  That’s it.

Look at what the Gruene Steam Cleaner/mop comes with –

• Squeegee Hand Tool – Designed to make quick work of cleaning windows and mirrors.
• Garment Hand Tool -  Great for taking wrinkles out of clothes and curtains. It also works great for sanitizing matresses, Nylon Brush Set Includes three brushes to handle most of your cleaning needs.
• Large Brush for wide coverage – Great for scrubbing tile and grout lines. Triangle and Detail head brushes for getting into tight spaces. Wire Brush Makes short work of cleaning golf clubs. Designed to take the elbow grease out of those really tough jobs.
• Scraper Nozzle – Perfect for removing wallpaper. Seriously it cuts the job in half.
• DirectJet Nozzle – Shoots out a jet of steam. Great for hard to reach areas.

Do you see that under the hose?  Yes, that’s the scraper nozzle, it lets you get into cracks (like between the stove and the counter where grease can collect and it’s IMPOSSIBLE to get to.  That alone would have sold me on it.

That it converts into a mop?  I would have bought this one on my own. 

A little from the company –

If it is floors you are tackling, simply fill the water tank, and seconds later steam is at your fingertips. Using steam means that you can toss out that bulky, messy, mop and bucket and trade it in for a better way to clean. Never again will you barricade the kitchen while you wait for floors to dry, when you use Gruene Steam the floors practically dry as you go. If you have children and pets you will love that Gruene Steam is chemical free system.

Perhaps one of the most unique and innovative features of the Gruene Steam Mop and Hand Cleaner is its ability to convert to a hand steamer. Unlock and remove the center section, and viola! The Gruene Steam Hand Steamer comes with 10 attachments. When attached to the hand steamer these tools make even the toughest jobs a breeze.

Take for instance the Garment attachment, this tool can be used to steam the wrinkles out of clothes, lift stains off mattresses, and even remove wallpaper. The small, large, and angled nylon brushes can be used for anything from removing stains and mildew from tile or grout to cleaning countertops and sinks.

Don’t forget, steam is nature’s disinfectant so when you use Gruene Steam you sanitize as you clean!

You guys know that I love anything that is chemical-free.  (One of the reasons I clean with steam to begin with!)  Not only do I have kids, I have birds.  Their little respiratory systems can’t handle what ours can and lots of stinky smelly things can kill them.  I’m always looking for things that make cleaning easier that is healthy for them and my kids.

So, the question is, does this work as well as my old steam?  Enough so that I would be willing to give my old steamer to Goodwill or a shelter?

Let’s see!  I let my kitchen floor go for a few days.  I have 4 kids and while even my 11 year old is capable of making a mess, my 3 kids who are 6 and under, they can completely destroy the floor within 30 minutes of me washing it.  I let them just be themselves for a few days, as much as it drove me crazy, when they spilled something, I let Katiana clean it up her way (dry towel, no soap, leaves a sticky mess for other dirt to collect to).  I prayed during those days that no one, please God, don’t let anyone knock on my door.  Especially anyone from the apartments.  Egads!

No one knocked and all was set for the review.

It’s disgusting you guys.  Let’s see if the Gruene Steam Cleaner/mop was able to clean it up quickly.

(Don’t mind the stain under my stove, it was there when we moved in, even with the steamer, I can’t get it up.  And that is Alyce’s little mouse voice at the end.)

My thoughts?  LOVE IT!  Definitely will see if a shelter can use my trusty old steamer or donate it to good will.  It still works, but I love this one so much more.  The mop is so easy to set up, extremely easy to use, and works great!  I’ve been using it daily since I did this video. I still use my other mop (the one with the reusable microfiber pad) to get in corners, under counters, under the stove, but for the majority of the cleaning of our linoleum floors, I’ve been using the Gruene Steam Cleaner/mop.  It is incredibly easy to use, as you can see in the video, I’m holding the camera with one hand and running the mop with the other.  No backaches, no breaking out in a sweat because it’s so much work.  It is fabulous!

Since I’m using it as a mop daily, I also am using the steam cleaner part more than I did my old one.

I pulled my old one out for once a week deep cleaning.  Now, I’m using this every day to just keep up on it rather than using a dish cloth. With all of the attachments, I’m going to it more often because I have better tools to clean different areas with.  One thing I love to use the steam on is those pans that are under your burners on your stove.  They can look clean, but a little invisible grease can turn into a burned on ugly mess after awhile. 

I also love the steam cleaner for really getting in and disinfecting the bird cages, toys the kids have (I use it on their outside toys a lot to blast away dirt that has gotten stuck in crevices), the high chair, behind the faucet on the sink, the wall behind the sink, the toilets (around the hinges of the lid/seat), door knobs (especially in the wither when the flu is going around), there are so many places I use my steamer at.

It seriously is the one cleaning tool that I pull out the most.

I’ve even used steam to clean stains in the carpet before I clean the whole carpet with my carpet cleaner.

This is one of those cleaning tools that I think is worth the money.  You literally can use it to clean everything and you get your money’s worth.  I had my old steamer for 4 years and never had a problem with it.  I envision this one being the same.

Keep an eye out on my mom’s blog.  She will be reviewing it as a steamer soon!  (I know it’s coming, I shot the video!)

Definitely gets a big humongous

for being a safe, chemical-free, green cleaning tool that in the long run saves you money

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Along with the leather work gloves we received the other day we received a bottle of hand medic.

• Keeping skin healthy and well-conditioned is easy with dermatologist-tested GOJO brand skin conditioners. 
• Specifically formulated for professional technicians for use in their work envionments.
• Quickly absorbs, with no greasy after-feel.
• Use before work, after handwashing and at night to help maintain the skin’s natural protective barrier.
• Herlps maintain skin’s natural barrier
• Latex glove compatible
• Dermatologist tested
• Silicone and fragrance-free.

I pulled out the bottle and thought, cool.  I am always looking for something for my hands.  I swear I have the driest hands you can have.  Then I thought a little harder and though, what’s in even worse shape than my hands?  My feet!  Let’s really put this to the test!

My feet are hard and callused and they split on the heels and they hurt.  I’ve been told that it’s because I never wear socks.  Who knows?  All I know is that the only thing that makes them softer at all is A&D ointment overnight with socks on.

I put it on my feet and instantly they felt softer.  It lasted a long time too.  I have a feeling that if I used this on a regular basis that I wouldn’t have the problems with calluses and cracking heels like I do.  If it does that for my nasty feet, imagine what it does for my hands.  It leaves them feeling soft all day.  I know this is listed for professionals, but it’s amazing for moms too.  What are moms doing all day?  Cleaning, having their hands in water washing dishes, cleaning counters, changing diapers, washing their hands from changing diapers.  It’s amazing our hands aren’t in worse shape then they already are.

This is something I have now been keeping on my bathroom sink for after I wash my hands.  I put it on my hands and I put it on my feet after showering and before I go to bed.

Definitely has become a part of our daily routine.

I’d tell you what Pato thought of it, but I won’t let him use it until I buy a bigger bottle.

I’m not always a nice sharing type of wife.

Have a great day!

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I was sent a pair of leather palm gloves to try out. 

Now, I wasn’t quite sure what I was going to try these out on.  I thought maybe I’d give them to my dad.  He’s a work glove type of guy.  He uses them for doing his outside work, like splitting wood for campfires, dragging away brush, working near poison ivy, all that fun stuff that you won’t catch me doing. 

Pato saw them and said, now wait a second!  I want them.  Pato is now the proud owner of a pair of leather palm gloves.  He’s used them a few times when outside working on various things with his car (ie: changing rims).  He really likes them.  He said on the day that it was cold out, having them on and not having to touch the metal with bare skin was much better.  He also said that he imagines these would do a great job protecting the hands when you are doing all of those things my dad does outside. 

I could see me using them to open a jar of spaghetti sauce.  They’ve got a nice grip on them.  Unfortunately, Pato has hidden them in the garage because he said I will not be tarnishing them with tomato products.

My gloves came from Care Cleaning Protection and they have tons to choose from for various tasks.  I’m sure your husband would love a pair as much as Pato did.  They might not even know they need them, but once they have them they will find plenty of ways to use them.  They most likely won’t let you use them to open spaghetti sauce.

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