I said yesterday that I was going to tackle #1 on my bucket list today. Try to explain why it’s there. You know, blog therapy. Plus, three of my closest friends in the world have had to deal with my avoidance because of my problem and I’ve explained it to one of them, but never the other 2. Angie, just happened to ask what the heck #1 was about on Facebook because as she said, that’s not like me. So, Angie, Danielle, and Mashara, this post is for you guys.
#1 was to get over my phobia of going out with friends
I wouldn’t call what I have angoraphobia. I’m not scared of big places/wide open spaces. It’s not the place that gives me a panic attack. It’s more people. And it’s not their fault. It’s all on me.
I used to be one of the most social people you would ever meet. I was outgoing, shy when you first meet me, but still loved to go out and have fun with my friends. Even after I had Jordan and got a divorce, I still went out with friends. My habits changed. I would go to work. Come home, spend all my time with him until he was asleep, then I would hire a sitter (usually my sister’s husband, who back then was a fellow employee that I had introduced to my sister or his brother or my regular daycare person who watched him when I was at work) who would come over and basically watch TV while Jordan slept so I could go out for a few hours with my friends here and there.
It all started changing when I became a stay at home mom. So that would be with the birth of Katiana. It wasn’t too bad though until I had Alyce. I stopped going as many places with the kids, it was a gradual thing. I would still take them to parks and soccer practice and all that but I stopped being my social self. I didn’t notice until I had Christiano how much my change of habit had changed me as a person. I don’t like it.
If my friends call and ask me if I want to do something, I always have an excuse. 4 kids. Bring them on over. I can’t do it. I’m ok with taking my kids to Wal-Mart by myself, though I don’t relish the thought of doing it, and it has given me a slight panic attack before, but I hate to take them to friends’ houses. When it comes to the kids I’m always worried about them breaking something, touching something, getting into something if I take my eye off of them for a second. The whole time we are anywhere I can’t relax, I’m constantly redirecting traffic and I feel so stressed out until we walk back into our own home. It’s not that their bad. They usually behave well when we are out. It’s that I am just horribly paranoid that something will happen. Ok, so then my friends want to come over here. Excuses again. It’s never clean enough, even when I just cleaned everything. I never see it as good enough.
It all boils down to me. It’s all because I don’t see myself as good enough. I know that my friends would never laugh at me. They are the most wonderful people in the world. But in my head, I’m not who I was. I weigh more, I don’t dress as stylish as I used to, I just feel like the whole world is staring at how I’ve changed. Because you know, my friends were friends with me because I used to be thinner and wore cool clothes right? And I with them. See how silly that sounds. I know in my head I am being stupid when I start stressing out about it.
It’s not just my friends. Pato’s friends, who never knew me before we had kids, they invite us to do something. No, I won’t go. I’m just not comfortable. I get so worried and stressed and if I dwell on it to much it really starts to upset me and I would color what happens close to having a panic attack. Excuse after excuse after excuse. Pato gets really tired of it. If I won’t go, he won’t go and that frustrated him. I tried to explain how I feel at the thought of going somewhere new with people I don’t know (that scares me worse than going with people I do know) and he just doesn’t get it.
The 2 places I feel comfortable? My mom’s house and the casino – with my mom. With my mom’s house, it’s not even the house. It’s in the summertime when I can take the kids out there and sit and talk to my mom and they can just run outside. I don’t like to take them into the house. Again, I start redirecting because I know my dad will get upset if they get into something (ie: the refrigerator – dude, you don’t touch grandpa’s fridge). Them getting into stuff stresses my dad out, which in turn stresses me out, and I end up leaving because I feel like I’m on pins and needles. Outside, outside is good.
The casino doesn’t bother me because I’m with my mom, who I seem to have reattached the umbilical cord to. Why I don’t worry about my mom laughing at me, I don’t know? Probably because she’s been with me this whole time and seen me gradual gain/lose/gain weight. Or just because she’s mom. Part of the reason that I never moved back to Ohio when Pato wanted us to go because he had a chance to open a restaurant (we all know how that ended, so it was good I didn’t go) was because the thought of leaving my mom, the one person I’m comfortable with, that did give me a panic attack.
I honestly don’t know why I changed. I think it has something to do with the fact that for the last 6 years I’ve done nothing that hasn’t revolved around my kids. I stay home with my kids, if I leave, usually it’s for the kids, either to get them something or to take them to soccer, or to the park, or to a school function. I rarely leave just for me. That’s why I started going with my mom to the casino every other week or so for a few hours again. To break that cycle and give me a couple of hours to myself. It’s one of the reasons this morning I’m going to the thrift stores. To get out, well, I was going to say without kids, but Katiana is begging to go with me.
The bad part is, I know my friends would never ever judge me. That’s one of the reasons they are my closest friends in real life. Because they are so awesome. They aren’t judgmental, they have been my biggest support system throughout some hard times in my life. I’ve been friends with Danielle since 7th grade, Angie since 8th grade, and Mashara since Jordan was 18 months old. I’d include my friend Diane in that group because she is so wonderful too, but she lives in Ohio and doesn’t have to deal with my excuses of why I can’t go out or why I don’t want to have anyone come over here. They are fabulous women who even though I don’t talk to them much because of my own issues I still consider my best friends. I know if I called them they’d be there in a minute.
I’ve posted these pictures before, but in tribute to my favorite ladies on the face of the earth, I’ll post them again.
That’s Mashara and I.
There’s Angie and me, though we both agree, this is not the best picture of us.
There’s Danielle (on my left) and our other friend Cristine and I back in high school.
Ladies, I’m going to link you to this post so maybe you will understand what’s been wrong with me. It’s not you guys. I think you are 3 of the most beautiful women in the world and I am so lucky that you have been in my lives.
I need to take steps to get over my issues. To start getting past the part of me that doesn’t like me. I miss all 3 of you and I’m grateful that you haven’t given up on me yet. Love you guys!
ETA – I have 2 giveaways to draw winners for. I’ve closed them and I’ll draw winners when I get back tonight. Good luck to all who entered!
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