Do your kids fight like cats and dogs? I complain about this a lot. Yet I don’t know how to fix it.
Last night was horrible. I was planning on going out to my mom’s with the kids but mom called and said her and dad weren’t going to be home, change of plans, so could we do it another night. Ok.
I was already all dressed, hair, make up done, youngest 2 ready to walk out the door when Kat and Jordan got home from school. I called Pato and said, can we come to your work and eat? He said yes. Then I decided to go to Perkins instead, kids eat free on Tuesday nights. Well, 1 kids meal with each adult meal, so one of my kids ate free.
The oldest 2 start battling as soon as they get home. Katiana was in a rotten mood. Tears flowing down her face. Nothing was right. Nobody could do anything right. She had a bad day at school because during choice time she just sat in a chair and did nothing because she only had 5 minutes to play. Ok, your whole day was ruined over 5 minutes? It’s a 5 year old’s world, I just live in it.
I told them that I had planned on taking them out to eat, a feat I never attempt by myself because let’s face it, I’m outnumbered when I’m by myself. 4 – 1. We’ll be good. We’ll be good!
I decide to brave it because why punish myself? I wanted out of the house.
They were excellent at Perkins. I couldn’t have asked for better behaved kids. No fighting. They ate their food, used their indoor voices, even Christiano was in a good mood, loving his macaroni he got.
Then the meal was over. Time to leave. As soon as we got in the car Jordan and Kat and Kat and Alyce start on each other again. To the point it was distracting to drive the 2 miles back home. Katiana broke Alyce’s heart when she hopped out of the car first. Alyce is screaming, mom! Kat got out first. Katiana is saying, it doesn’t matter! I said if it doesn’t matter, why’d you hop out first? Because I opened the door. So, I’ve got a wailing 3 year old and a now tired 1 year old plus an 11 year old and 5 year old who have declared that they hate each other. (May I remind you that I hate you was supposed to be eliminated from the vocabs of my children? That didn’t last long.)
We walk in the house and I said, get your chores done. Stop talking to each other. Just get your stuff done. Pick pick pick pick pick. Nothing was getting done. Kat and Jordan were finding excuses to walk into each other’s space to bump, push (on accident of course) and generally make a nuisance of themselves to the other one.
It culminated as I was changing Christiano’s diaper in my room and I heard Katiana start crying at the top of her lungs. She comes in and said that Jordan threw something at her. I yelled, Jordan, in here, now. He comes in. Well, you see, Katiana was going to throw something at him, so he picked up something and threw it, meaning to knock whatever she was going to throw at him (at this point, I really don’t care what they were going to throw at each other) out of her hands, and he “accidently” hit her.
My children have lost their electronics for quite awhile. On top of other things. After I was done with my rampage explanation for how things would continue for the rest of the night, my children meekly came in and did their chores and went to bed.
After all that, it reminded me that my assignment for this last 2 weeks with Jordan from his counselor was to look up a website by Dr Ross Greene. It’s called Lives In The Balance. It’s based on collaborative problem solving.
I love his Bill Of Rights For Behaviorally Challenged Kids. My problem is, though I can’t lay it all on Jordan, but a lot of it is, Jordan has been challenging his whole life, right? He is a beautiful child with a sensitive heart that I adore with my whole being who just can’t stay on task. I haven’t found a reward or discipline that works yet for more than a few days. In fact, up until this year, with his ADHD, his teachers and I would have to revisit every week/every other week incentives and rewards to try to give him incentive to behave. (Rereading this after typing the whole post, there is that whole kids do well if they “wanna” mentality that I need to break away from.) A lot of my issues right now stem from the fact that now that Kat and Alyce are older, they see what Jordan is doing, and though they know they will get the same punishment as he does for the same behaviors, they follow right in his footsteps. Mimicking everything he does. He’s not listening to me, they aren’t going to listen to me. He’s talking back, they are going to talk back. He’s running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off, they are going to run around like a chicken with it’s head cut off. I have one that has trouble concentrating and staying on task and 3 that think he’s the coolest thing ever (except when they hate each other).
Dr Ross Greene has tons of video and audio on his website that I am going to delve into today. I watched this segment last week at the counselor’s office that was excellent. The whole theory is kids do well if they can vs kids do well if they wanna. How the 2 mentalities are completely different. If kids do well if they wanna is right (which he says is wrong) your role is narrow. The only thing you can do is make the kid “wanna”. How, only by giving him incentive to do well (rewards and punishments). If your busy making the kid “wanna” and he already does “wanna” you run the risk of making it worse. He thinks all kids WANT to do well. (And truly that does make sense.) They would if they could. And with that mentality, your role just changed completely. It’s harder but more productive. Now your role is to figure out what is getting in his way and help him.
If this kid could do well, he would do well, because kids do well if they can.
I really love that.
Our school system and many throughout the country use PBS (Positive Behavioral Support). Our counselor told us that many schools on the east coast are switching to the method that Dr Greene describes and it’s working. I think I may get his books and if I like them, pass them on to our guidance counselor and see what she thinks about this method vs what they are using already in school.
So, that’s my plan for the day. Completely just changed my attitude that I started with this morning by relistening to that video. I was still frustrated as H-E-double hockey sticks (I got in trouble for saying it just like that when I was younger) when I was typing all this until I remembered that I needed to go through that website. Listening to his theories makes sense and kind of destresses me when I think about it from the other mentality, the kids do well if they can one.
Do that and go to parent teacher student led conferences. It shall be a productive day.
Have a great day!
ETA – ETA – Someone emailed me today and asked me about digital scrapbooking after they looked through my layouts, about how I print them out, etc. My layouts I actually go through Artscow and put into a hardbound book. When I make Christmas cards instead of making them in the traditional size for Holiday Cards which are a lot more expensive, I make them 4X6 and have them printed out for 9 cents each at Wal-Mart. I’ve done the Christmas Cards, Valentine’s Day cards and this would be perfect for baby announcements, graduation announcements, etc. It’s cheaper that way, plus easy to find envelopes for them. 
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