Not Everyone's Mama

Do we get those now that we are grown ups? Didn’t do it right! Do over!  Don’t you wish?

There are a lot of moments I wish I could do over, college coming to mind off the top of my head.

Your Life Spelled Out 2010‘s journaling prompt  (I’ve missed the last 2 days journaling prompts.  I need to go back and do a bucket list because they are going to revisit those on other posts.) for today is:

If there was one thing, event or action in your life that you could DO OVER if you were given the chance..What would it be? and WHY? This is your journal prompt for today.

We’re going to go back to 1989 to find a whole string of moments that I wish I could do over.  Picture this: Angry 14 year old who’d lived with her grandparents in 8th grade until her grandma’s cancer came back.  Hurt.  Thought her grandparents were the only ones who loved her and cared about her. Girl avoided making 1 1/2 hour drive to see grandma in hospital for a couple of months.  Hated long car trips with dad.  Hated seeing grandma in hospital.  Hurt inside so much.  14 year old misunderstood the adults around her when they said her grandma was coming home from hospital.  Girl thought she was getting better.  Adults knew grandma was so sick she was going home to die in the place of her choosing. That weekend, made trip to see grandma. Missed her so much.

14 year old girl walks into hospital room.  Grandma looks at her and says, “Heather Lynn, I didn’t think you loved me anymore.”  Girl’s heart breaks.  She tries to explain to grandma why she hasn’t been up to see her.  She leaves thinking all is ok between her and grandma.

Tuesday morning, cousin calls 14 year olds’ house. She answers the phone.  Cousin never calls.  Asks to speak to her dad.  Cousin never calls and asks to speak to dad. She knows something is wrong.  Dad hangs up.  Girl eavesdrops as dad tells mom that grandma died.  World spins.  Heart is broken.  All she can think is that her lifeline to the world just left her and the last time she saw her, she learned how much she had let grandma down. 

Girl becomes harder and harder for her parents to deal with.  Deals with years of depression.  No one outside of family knows how much she is hurting inside.  She curls up inside herself and lives on the pain.

Which possibly is why I ended up going down the path I did for a few years culminating in what I explained in this post.  I’d rather not relive that one again.

So, what would I do over in that situation?  I would have gone every weekend to see her.  I would have kept my mouth shut on those long car rides with my dad.  I would have shown my grandma how much I loved her.  I would have told her more.  I know she knew I loved her.  I know she didn’t mean it when she said what she did, it was probably the pain of the cancer, or the pain killers, or something that let it slip out of her mouth.  Or maybe at the moment the truth came out.  Maybe she was hurt that after all this time when she had been there for me, I wasn’t there for her in her darkest hour.  I won’t know until I am gone from this world and I hopefully see her again.  All I know is that I would have spent every moment possible with her, done everything I could with her, shown her in every way I was able to how much I loved her before she died.

She and my grandpa were there for me during a very difficult time in my life.  They were the only ones that I didn’t feel judged me.  The only ones I felt who loved me unconditionally, even knowing what a brat I was at the time. 

Those words that came out 21 years ago still bring tears to my eyes when I think about them.  I wish I could fix everything so that she never felt like I had abandoned her.

There they are.  I miss them.  My grandpa died when Katiana was 1 1/2.

Were your grandmas like mine?  Did they keep their hair perfectly coifed with a weekly visit to the hair salon? I don’t know how she didn’t mess it up when she slept.  I could put 10 scarves on top of mine and it would still be a rat’s nest in the morning. The last few year’s of her life she had what she called a “duck’s tail” style.  She got it from Angela Lansbury.  My grandma LOVED Murder She Wrote. Loved it.  Never missed an episode.  That and Young And The Restless.

Let’s do my bucket list here too because it really isn’t very long.  I don’t have a huge list of aspirations. 

1: Go to Scotland – See that guy in the picture up there?  Whenever I asked him where our family was from he’d tell me Scotland.  Grandma swore we were English, but grandpa told me that we were Scottish. Mom swears we have Native American ancestry too, based on the fact that my grandma’s maiden name was Moon.  And the fact that she thought my great grandma appeared to be of Native American descent.  The only thing I’m sure of is the Scottish.  So, I want to visit there.

2: Help Pato open his restaurant -  Everybody sing it with me someday over the rainbow.  Oh wait, that’s some where.  Works here too.

3: Finish college.

Besides raise happy healthy kids who become productive members of society, that’s about it.  I’m easy to please.

And the Ricky Martin tweet of the day.  I’m so lucky he tweets every day, otherwise what kind of feature would this be?

I’m all for instant gratification!  Mom always said I needed to work on delayed gratification.  So not as much fun.

And gotta give Mr Tommy Torres some crap –

Hey hey hey!  What is up with hatin’ on my Edward and Jacob.  We’ll have none of that now thank you.

That’s not right dude.

Have a great day everyone! Off to find something to take a picture of today.

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